Hope Is Mine

Driving home from Nashville on Thursday night after a very long and arduous day, there was not one part of me that felt at peace. There were a myriad of emotions coursing through my body, none of which even remotely resembled peace. I felt let down, angry and hopeless. When I got home, I went to bed feeling much of the same. The next morning, things were not much better.

I needed a little time and space put between myself and the "circumstance." As I kissed my husband goodbye for the day and drove towards my mother's home, the song from the old sitcom "Cheers" played over and over in my head. I felt the need to be in a place where "everyone knows my name." What better place to run than to your mother? (I do have an answer to that question, but more on that later!) For the better part of the day, my mom was not even there. She went to run some errands, but she turned her apartment over to me. She had lit several soothing candles in her bedroom, changed her linen and even plumped her pillows...all for me!

It is all really very simple. For all of this time, while my husband and I have been living in this pressure cooker and going through this "circumstance," I have quite often felt as if I were in the middle of a very crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs to be heard and everyone just going on with business as usual. I do not mean our beloved church family, not even for a second. These extraordinary people have not dropped the ball once throughout this whole ordeal. The support and love we have received has been our lifepreserver through it all. No, I am speaking of the higher ups. It is excruciating trying to be heard, when noone seems interested in what you have to say. Just lying in my mother's bed, with all of her things surrounding me, I felt as if I were laying in a cocoon of my mother's love and protection. Even if just for a little while, I felt loved and secure. Driving home, I listened to a favorite preacher of mine on cd and I started to feel that old familiar peace that I once had. It was returning. It hadn't really deserted me, I had let it go. Taking my eyes off of the real Peace Giver and allowing "circumstance" to take over, was the reason I was thrown into this tailspin.

On Saturday morning the first feeling that invaded my body as I awoke was...HOPE! I went into our office and I opened my Bible and staring out at me was Psalm 130. I knew, without a doubt that God felt that once again, He had something to work with. "Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy." (vs.1-2) All along, I had been screaming out to the wrong ones. I was trying desperately to get the attention of those that did not know me or understand one thing about how I was feeling through all of this. But God did. I suddenly felt this enveloping warmth and calmness take over my being.

My eyes are squarely on Jesus and that is where they will stay for the remainder of this "circumstance." No longer will I try to figure it all out. No more second guessing anything. God is in total control. He is guiding and directing and I am a very willing vessel. "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in HIS WORD I put my HOPE." (Psalm 130:5)

Man will disappoint every time, but my God is where all of my HOPE lies!